Second day of the new year and I am sitting in a café, sipping from a red paper cup an overpriced coffee - iced, black and sugarless - watching the world go by. It's hard to imagine that ten years have passed since I started TRANSMISSION8; so many things have happened over the years that it's hard to keep tabs of it all, the way I used to when I was still writing actively in my college days.
Three job changes, several breakups and heartaches, as well as deaths and births along the way, I am now here. A few days ago, I decided to read some of my older blog posts, most of which have been shelved in storage for safekeeping (I felt that there was really no reason to keep them up online), and was quite surprised by the tone and manner of which the younger me spoke.
I was quite the entitled, spoiled little boy, if you asked me. 30 year old me was not pleased... at all.
But I've made my mistakes, dealt my hands and made my bed, so I will lie in whatever haystack I've fashioned for myself. You notice that I am calling it a haystack, and not a palatial four-poster, all mostly because I think I could have done better.
I wish I did better. Up until last year, that was the sentiment I had for my life. So much so that I sunk into depression, entered what my friends called a "quarter life crisis", and broke down into a hot mess.
You see, I spent my twenties mostly on what was an eternal (and unrealistic) search for happiness; most of which was formed from picking up the pieces of what I thought success meant to different people, whether it was a high-paying job, the security of a home, personal savings or the freedom of independence. And after nearly ten years of searching, I was no closer to finding what I started looking for and it began to dawn on me that perhaps, happiness isn't something material you can hold in your hand.
It isn't money or property, although these things can help you feel secure, but happiness is something that comes from finding (or doing) the things that truly make you happy. For years, I've looked everywhere for that elusive good feeling, but it was only after reading those old blog entries did I realize that what I was looking for was really under my nose all this time.
It was writing; my one true passion that has brought me back here. I used to think that 2006 was a good year for many reasons: friends, family, being carefree... so much so that I didn't actually realize that 2006 was a good year because it was the year I started TRANSMISSION8. It's funny because what began as a way to vent and rant about my college life (and subsequently, everything else under the sun) has evolved into one of my greatest joys in life.
Typing this today, I feel a little lighter. It's good to be back.